Anjali LevertonCounselling in Wickford, North Fambridge and Online

Blog. sunsetforchangeblog

Change

"A Change is as Good as a Holiday"

If there was one word that I could use to summarise my summer months it would be “change”. This led me to reflect on how we react to change. How often we feel fearful and anxious about what “change” might bring and why that might be the case.

Change can and does come in any and every sphere of our life. In our relationships, at work, in our health or the health of our loved ones, in family dynamics so, having children, children leaving home or retirement. Also, income can change as well as where we’re living, what we’re eating, how we present ourselves to others. It turns out that change happening is actually pretty certain; as certain as day will become night or the changing of the seasons…one might say.

So why do we spend so much time and energy trying to avoid and hide from it? Is it because of the fear and anxious feelings that arise as we assume that the change will have a negative impact on us? After all, all that glitters is not gold.

The more I think about this though, the more I realise how closed we are to the idea that the change, whatever it might be, could bring us a change for the better. There is after all a 50/50 chance of benefit but it seems most of us focus on the fact that change will make things worse.

Why is that?

It might be because changes in the past have had a negative impact. Does that mean though that changes in the future will have the same outcome? Having studied probability when I was (much) younger I know that it isn’t the case.

It might be because we don’t feel we have enough information or the full picture (this is often the case with changes in the work place) where there’s underlying sense of distrust around the motivations driving the change.

Or is it that we don’t have enough trust in ourselves; trust that we will be able to adapt as required?

The other factor that we have to be aware of is the impact of anxiety on our brain. As I’ve talked about in a previous blog, anxiety presents itself whenever and wherever there’s uncertainty (it’s our body’s in built safety response).

One of the things that happens when we’re in an anxious state is that our brain struggles to hold and access memories unless they’re related to anxiety. Happier memories that might relate to success and achievement are buried, so of course, we’re more likely to anticipate a negative outcome.

The other thing that happens where we’re anxious is that the thinking and logical processing area of brain effectively “goes offline” whilst our body pours all its resources in to the fight and flight response.

So now, we have some context as to why we might assume the worst when it comes to change we can look at what we can do about it.
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
Barack Obama

Here’s some things that it might be helpful to think about
  • What are ALL the possible outcomes; everything from the best possible outcome to worst case scenario and also everything that comes between?
  • Identify your concerns and anxious responses; this can help you to identify and logically process what are the anxiety driven fears versus the actual facts of the situation.
  • Trust yourself; if you feel like you want to try the change, what’s stopping you? What consequences might there be? Will it be possible to reverse the change if you feel you need to? Are there choices and options you can take that might open things up for you?
  • Know what resources you have available to support you and if you need more help look at ways of getting this in place. Questions like “what is my back up plan” can help.
  • Think about how you’re feeling now and how you might feel in 12-18 months time if that change happens. That way you’re comparing like with like which is something we sometimes forget to do. For example, when starting a new job we can find ourselves thinking I don’t like this as much as my previous role/its very difficult/my colleagues or boss aren’t as nice when actually we’d settled and found our comfort zone in the previous role. Allow yourself time to find your comfort zone once the changes have come into place before comparing.
  • Give yourself permission to find change tough; acknowledge the days that have felt straightforward and be gentle with yourself on the days that are challenging.
  • Make sure you find time to do something that feels easy, is fun and replenishes your resilience levels as they may be depleted by the change.
  • Think of it as a risk assessment weighing up potential positive outcomes with potential negative impacts.
  • Consider counselling; I give you the opportunity to talk through all of the above in a confidential and safe environment. I don’t have any vested interest in the outcome so I’m impartial in the questions that I ask. My only aim is to help you find your way forward. And having worked with change personally as well as professionally, I know how challenging and vulnerable it can leave us feeling, so as well as questions, I bring you open and honest support and warmth as you explore all the questions and doubts that might be going through your mind.

    Is change just one big cliché?
    And I have one more point that I’d like to share with you before I end this blog; who knew there were so many cliché’s when it comes to change?

    This is something that I’ve become aware of as I‘ve been writing and in case you were wondering I’ve used six in this blog. Did you spot them all?

    Normally, I try to avoid them when writing but I thought it was really important to include them here because they’re a really good indicator of what we see and hear around us every day. This can strongly influence our way of thinking without us even realising and can get in the way of us embracing the changes that we sometime need, in order to move forward.

    Change is possible

    If you’d like to talk about any of the above or changes that you’re contemplating or experiencing give me a call, text or email. I’d love to hear from you.

  • 07484 160971 or [email protected]

    September 19, 2021


    Blog. Worriedemojiswithmask

    ANXIETY in 2021

    How are you doing with shops, hospitality and the opportunity to socialise face to face in slightly larger numbers?

    Not as much fun as you thought it would be? “Normal” feeling different to how it used?


    Personally, I was looking forward to having the opportunity to do more but, amongst the excitement I was also aware of my bubbling uncertainty; how would it be seeing people I hadn’t seen face to face for such a long time, would they want to hug or kiss, go indoors; how would I communicate where I’m at, what’s comfortable for me?

    So undoubtedly there have been some nerves, some tension, some irritability, some desire to put off engagements and withdraw, but these are familiar anxious responses for me and ones that I’m now usually able to spot.

    I know though, that doing this isn’t always easy, particularly if these feelings are new and/or unfamiliar or even if they’re old familiar feelings that are now magnified but carry on reading, for information that might help you make sense of some of what you’re experiencing.

    Pandemic Re-Entry Anxiety – is this a thing?
    You’re not on your own in finding the re-opening difficult as lots of people find themselves in new, unfamiliar, uncertain territory and the media continues to give us mixed messages of opening up whilst the impact of the Delta Variant seems unknown.

    No wonder then, that we don’t know how to be around others in a way that will keep them and us safe.Within that lies the trigger for an anxious response

    Anxiety is an in built warning system that all humans are equipped with. It's designed to maximise our chances of survival if we’re under threat.

    Let’s face it, as threats go, a global pandemic is pretty major so it’s no surprise that we find ourselves struggling now with the feelings that have come up.

    Combine that, with what we’ve been told and learnt over the period of lockdowns and restrictions i.e. to limit, control, minimise and distance our contact in order to keep ourselves safe, it makes sense to me that anxiety might be triggered, as restrictions lift and we find ourselves out and about more with less control over our environment and levels of contact.

    This feeling of lacking control is the perfect cue for our anxiety to fire up and step in order to keep us safe.

    What can you do about it?
    It’s easy to be critical of your own anxiety. Perhaps you find yourself wondering what’s wrong with you…why aren’t you able to get on with and enjoy things like everyone else.

    The problem with this though is that rather than accepting the anxious response and allowing it to pass, you’re telling yourself that there IS actually a problem, something IS wrong…so your anxiety remains high.

    If you’re able to change this inner voice to one that is kinder, more accepting and responds with reassurances in the same way as you would to a friend who told you they were uncertain, worried or afraid then, the anxiety response will be able to “quieten”.

    Know the symptoms
    Knowing how your anxiety shows itself can be really helpful. We often think of sweating and irregular breathing as signs but often its less visible e.g a racing heart, headaches, migraines, dry mouth, nausea and/or worrying endlessly.

    The actual response will be unique to you and your body, but spotting your signs can be a good way of knowing that you need to take some time to look at your emotional health; why is your body feeling threatened? Is that threat real? What action do you need to take?

    Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling
    Bringing your anxiety out into the open can make it feel less imposing and shameful. In telling someone out loud, you notice and accept the feelings that you’re experiencing where before, you might have been questioning yourself with the critical voice I spoke of above.

    For example, “what’s wrong with me” “why can’t I just get on with it like everyone else” “I’m letting myself and others down”. This is all added threat i.e. extra fuel, going into the anxiety fire.

    Understand some of the neuroscience
    Having a basic understanding of what’s happening in your body when you have an anxious response can make it easier to understand and accept the physical and emotional response that your experiencing.

    For example, knowing that you’re body has gone into fight/flight mode so blood is pumping to your muscles means that now is a good time for exercise/go for a walk or run, and allow the adrenalin and cortisol levels to normalise.

    The thinking/logical processing side of our brain will have gone “off line” whilst this is happening so other activities that involve focus and concentration will feel harder as all your body’s resources are being channelled elsewhere and even simple instructions like “turn to your left”, become really difficult to follow.

    The after effects
    Do you find yourself analysing events afterwards; replaying what happened and being critical of what you did/said? Again, this is your anxiety checking things out and looking for reassurances that you were safe. This can become problematic though when the negative thoughts get stuck and start to spiral because reassurances are hard to find. This can be the case when confidence and esteem levels are low.

    Focusing on facts and logical reasoning can be helpful though as what the anxiety is telling you is often the worst case scenario. Get in touch if you’d like to know more about this.

    If the anxious response has been intense and long lasting you might also feel yourself fatigued, exhausted, run down and generally “floored” a few hours after. This is because of your body’s physical response and can be considered a “hangover”, where you body needs time to recuperate and level out the adrenalin and cortisol used in the response.

    Get in touch
    Let's talk about your experiences of anxiety. Together, we can look at:
  • what your fears are,
  • why your body thinks you’re under threat
  • how this is impacting your everyday life.

  • This puts you in a better place to accept the feelings you’re experiencing and allows your body to step down from high alert before the anxiety escalates, “snowballs” and/or takes over.

    This is an area that I have lot of experience in, as I run Anxiety Management Workshops and I'm also an Anxiety UK Approved Therapist providing therapeutic support to the charity’s members and partner beneficiaries.

    Call/Text 07484 160971 or email [email protected]
    to book a confidential, counselling session.


    June 28,2021
    Photo credit: Visuals on Unsplash


    Blog. profilepicfeb21

    BLOCKS and BARRIERS - Does your race, religion, gender, sexuality or any other label get in the way of others understanding you?


    Does this make asking for help and accessing support harder?





    In the wake of the Black Lives Matters movement, I’ve been reflecting on my experiences of counselling and why, in the past, I found it difficult to talk about issues around my racial and cultural identity, in the counselling room.

    I believe that this was down to the lack of open dialogue around issues such as gender, sexuality, race, colour, heritage and culture; my upbringing where this was "just stuff you have to accept and deal with" and also because of my assumption, that unless my counsellor had the same heritage as me they wouldn't understand the issues I’d struggled with and that white privilege might get in the way of them understanding what I was talking about.

    Now this awareness has come to light for me, I wonder if you feel the same?

    Perhaps you find yourself thinking that there’s no point in asking for support or talking to a counsellor because there’s no way they’ll understand. This is a really easy assumption to make, particularly if:
  • you’re worred that you’ll be judged by others
  • there’s been a lack of understanding and sensitivity from others in the past
  • you feel embarrassed, ashamed or guilty…all difficult feelings that are hard to admit to
  • you’re worried that your anxiety will get in the way when your try to talk about your feelings.

    All of these thoughts act as blocks or barriers to getting support.

    Stigma around mental health is another block to accessing support and maybe counselling and talking outside of your community is frowned upon by other people who’re important to you? Or it could be that talking about your issues feels disrespectful or disloyal to others?

    Alternatively, the pressure to conform to the expectations that your label brings might have become all-consuming leaving no time or space for you to explore the aspects of yourself that are important to you.

    You may have experienced one, some or all of these issues when it comes to thinking about counselling and its important to recognise that these thoughts are there to keep us safe, particularly if others haven’t reacted in the way that you wanted to in the past. Its more than likely, that you'll feel anxious in trying to talk to someone about these feelings again.

    Consequences of not talking

    The consequence of “not sharing the load” is that your thoughts and feelings remain buried (if its too hard to think about) or unprocessed within yourself. This can lead to feelings of aloneness, anxiety, isolation and you might think “why me” as you find yourself carrying these difficult thoughts. Relationship issues might also arise.

    This feels really important to me right now, as there’s been a massive amount of loss in lives, livelihoods, lifestyles and cultural identities and I know that restrictions and isolation can magnify all of these difficult feelings, particularly if you belong to a small, minority and/or marginalised community.

    And then there’s the Black Lives Movement and all the feelings, often difficult to talk about and process, that that might have been stirred up and added in to the mix.

    How do you overcome that block or barrier?

    If you find yourself wanting to talk to someone but afraid that you won’t be understood, I would say, do a bit of research (there’s some links to well reputed directories that you might find helpful below) and if you come across a counsellor profile you like the sound of, get in touch.

    If the initial contact doesn’t feel helpful, you don’t have to go any further.

    But if they’re the right counsellor for you what you might find, is:
  • a counsellor that’s respectful, sensitive and able to see and feel the world as you’re seeing and feeling it.
  • a place of safety and belonging.

    They’ll ensure that they’re well informed (without you having to educate them), willing and open to learning about identities different to their own. They’ll be able to fully explore all the issues that you bring (even the blocks and barriers that you’ve experienced in coming to counselling) in an impartial and non-judgmental way. They’ll provide you with the empathic understanding and empowerment that results, that each and every one of us is entitled to.

    “Let me hold the door for you. I may have never walked a mile in your shoes, but I can see that your soles are worn and your strength is torn under the weight of a story I have never lived before. So let me hold the door for you. After all you’ve walked through, it’s the least I can do.”
    Morgan Harper Nichols

    So, what’s stopping you?

    Get in touch if you’d like to speak to someone experienced in working with blocks and barriers or if you’d like to know more about the culturally sensitive counselling without stereotype that I offer.

  • 07484 160971 [email protected]


    May 20, 2021

    DIRECTORIES
    www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists
    www.counselling-directory.org.uk
    www.psychologytoday.com

    PREVIOUS BLOGS
    Great Expectations
    Expectations during a Global Pandemic
    Expectations of Counselling


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